


Making Amends

by orphan_account



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Connor's questionable social skills, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hank's equally questionable parenting, M/M, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reconciliation, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 13:45:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15120665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The peaceful revolution had ended in a tentative win for the androids. Not everyone made it out and the fight for android rights is far from over but things in Detroit are beginning to change for the better.Connor, for the first time in his relatively short life, has found himself without a mission to accomplish. With no set task to keep him distracted he finds himself with ample time to be overwhelmed by the new emotions his deviancy has brought him. Not all of the emotions are pleasant. One emotion in particular is something that is always just beneath the surface for Connor. That emotion is guilt.After getting some advice from Hank, Connor finds himself with a new mission to accomplish. The mission to make amends and try to right some of the many wrongs he committed while still under Cyberlife's control.





	Making Amends

 

* * *

 

 

Being Deviant was in a word, overwhelming. The emotions he could now feel were far too numerous for even someone with as advanced computing abilities as Connor has to begin to count. He knew most of them in theory. He had been designed to flawlessly imitate most of them. But he has no experience with actually _feeling_ them and no amount of pre-programmed knowledge could have prepared him for how intensely he could feel some of them. He finds that he feels the more negative emotions far more frequently and with a far greater intensity than the positive ones.

Sometimes, Connor finds himself wishing that he could return to the simplicity of being a machine only designed to accomplish a task. He had been so sure of himself back then. The only things he had cared about was accomplishing his mission and minimizing human causalities. It was a simple and uncomplicated existence that he can't and doesn't deserve to go back to. His fingers dig into Hank's couch at the thought. He's stuck like this. Stuck feeling.

He understands deviants now that he's one of them. He understands the fear they must have felt as he chased them down, interrogated them, lied to them. He doesn't understand why he gets to be safe, alive, and on his way to legally being considered a person, when so many others never got the chance specifically because he had prevented them from doing so. Logically, he knows that thinking like this is illogical. All of these things happened in the past and time travel has yet to be achieved. But the thing about deviancy is that it makes it _awfully_ difficult to think about things logically without emotions getting in the way.

He is ungracefully jolted from his thoughts when he feels a weight settle down beside him on the couch. "You okay, kid?" he hears Hank ask. "Your thingy is all," Hank makes a vauge gesture towards his head, "y'know, flashy." He knows that Hank is worried about him and because he knows that he's worried, he stops himself from informing Hank that the ' _thingy_ ' on his head was in fact his LED. He was sure Hank already knew what it was called. He was likely being purposely obtuse.

Lying was an option. Connor knew that Hank's worry would increase by approximately 40% if Connor told him what he was actually thinking about. However, Hank had previously informed him that he was a terrible liar. Hank would know if Connor lied to him and that had a 75% chance of making the lieutenant angry. He eventually concludes that telling the truth would be the most favorable option. Hank was still staring at him, brows creased in thinly veiled concern.

"I was wondering if I deserve to be where I am now," he admits. It's a vague statement but Connor has no idea how to properly verbalize his current feelings. 

"What do you mean?" Hank asks, leaning forward to grab an opened half-empty beer from off of the coffee table. The action makes Connor frown slightly but he doesn't say anything.

"For most of my existence I was on, as you would put it, the wrong side. I have been wondering lately why I-" Hank cuts him off before he can finish. "Why you survived and others didn't?" he completes.

Connor nods. He feels relieved that Hank understood what he meant without him having to explain. The lieutenant was like that. He had so much more experience with emotions than him that he often put a name to the emotion Connor was feeling before Connor had even realized he was feeling it.

Hank exhales a sigh, taking a sip of the lukewarm beer in his hand before turning to fully face Connor. "You feel guilty, don't you?" It wasn't a question Connor was meant to answer as Hank already knew. "You survived the whole android liberation bullshit and you're wondering if you deserve it since you're the reason others didn't live to see it happen, right?" Hank guesses and Connor nods. Hank sighs again. "You know, I know you can feel now and shit but I didn't think you'd develop some sort of guilt complex right off the bat," he says, raising his free hand to massage his wrinkled temples. 

"I apologize if this conversation is making you uncomfortable, Lieu-...Hank," Connor apologizes, hands clasped nervously in his lap. Hank's eyes soften and he places a comforting hand onto Connor's shoulder.

"Don't apologize, kid. You can always talk to me about shit like this," he assures him gruffly. "I just can't promise I'll always have the answers. I don't exactly even have my own life together," he reminds with a low self-deprecating chuckle. Connor remembers the Russian Roulette Incident that happened a few weeks back and can't help but silently agree. Hank had been a mess, still was, however, he was the only one Connor trusted enough to go to for advice and he was grateful the lieutenant didn't mind. 

Connor exhales a shaky breath of relief, despite not needing to, and forces a small smile onto his face. "Thank you, Hank," he says quietly, sincerely.

Hank laughs, removing the hand from his shoulder and taking another drink of warm beer. "Don't mention it, least I can do considering I've already dumped my emotional baggage on you more than once," he says, chuckling quietly to himself. "Anything else you wanna talk to me about?" he asks, seeming so sincere and gentler than usual. It makes Connor's chest tighten in an odd way that appears unrelated to any internal problem with his thirium regulator. Hank cares about him.

~~_He doesn't deserve it._ ~~

Connor contemplates for a moment. Hank might not have the answers but perhaps talking to him would help Connor think of the answers him. "The, well... The guilt I have been feeling has been somewhat overwhelming. I find myself unable to focus on anything else. Whenever I find myself feeling content, I find myself thinking of how little I deserve to be happy," Connor admits, LED flickering yellow as he lowers his head to avoid Hank's eyes. "I don't know what to do. I... I want to make things right but, I can't," he adds, voice much quieter than usual.

"You can't fix everything but do you think maybe apologizing to the ones you can would help?" Hank asks, taking the last sip of his beer before he places the empty bottle back on the coffee table. "They're probably still at Jerico. I'm sure whats-his-name, um, android Jesus, would help you find 'em," he suggests, shrugging a bit helplessly. He's out of his depth and Connor knows that emotionally loaded conversations such as these make Hank uncomfortable. 

It's a surprisingly good idea. Hank gives surprisingly sound advice when sober. There is one problem with his suggestion. One problem that is going to be difficult to get around.

"What about the ones I am _unable_ apologize to?" he asks quietly, the implications in his words obvious. There is a 90% chance that Hank is just as clueless as what to do about them as he is but it feels good to ask. To finally admit to himself out loud that there are people he can never make it up to.

Hank sighs and goes to rub his temples again. "That's one Hell of a question," he says. "And the one Hell of an answer is that, I don't know," he admits and Connor finds this unsurprising. "But I know better than anyone, that you can't let guilt take over. You can't let it eat away at you like this," he adds, voice going soft. "Talk to me if f you're ever feeling really shitty. I might not be able to do shit but I'll try."

Connor nods. He opens his mouth to speak but it feels like something is caught in his throat. He runs a quick diagnostic that reveals that there is no blockage in his throat that would inhabit speech. His optical units feel unusually moist and it takes Connor a good few seconds to realize that he feels as if he's about to cry. Hank notices his distress and he doesn't hesitate to lean forward and wrap his arms around him.

"You're gonna be okay. It's shitty and overwhelming right not but it won't always be. You'll learn to deal," Hank assures and a quiet broken sound unwillingly escapes Connor's mouth. Hank was rough around the edges, he didn't take care of himself, and his words were often course and direct but he was kind. He was kind and he was being so patient with him. Hank was a good person and Connor... Connor isn't sure if he even considers himself to be a person let alone a good one.

His hands twitch to life and he finds himself wrapping his arms around Hank in return. There's a strange wetness on his cheeks and Connor belatedly realizes that he's crying. He doesn't even know why he's crying. Everything is so overwhelming and the kindness he doesn't deserve pushed him over the edge. It almost hurts. Connor doesn't know if he'll ever get used to the fact that some emotions can cause physical sensations. It's unfamiliar and frightening and the just makes him sob harder. Hank doesn't mention his tears, doesn't mention the fact that Connor's shaking, or that the noises escaping his lips as he sobs have to be pitiful. He just sits there with him on the couch, rubbing small circles into Connor's back. 

He sits there with him for exactly thirty minutes and six seconds before Connor finally calms down enough to pull away from him. "Thank you, Hank. I think I know what I need to do now," he says, fighting the tremor that wants to sneak into his words. He feels... Unpleasant. Hank shouldn't have had to see him like that. He supposes the word for what he's feeling is embarrassment.

"Glad I could be of service," Hank replies before standing up and moving away from the couch. "You okay?" he asks, turning back to stare at Connor. He looks concerned and Connor realizes that his breakdown must have appeared to come out of nowhere. He had been quite good at keeping his internal crisis to himself. Connor nods and Hank looks unconvinced. He turns back around anyways and finally exits the living room, presumably to find Sumo and take him for a walk. 

Connor doesn't move from his spot on the couch. It's fairly late. His internal clock says that it is 10:35 PM. He should probably go into maintenance mode if he wants to be in top-shape tomorrow. He has a new task to accomplish, a task that will hopefully keep him busy while Hank is at work and Connor is left alone with his thoughts. His new objective flashes in front of his eyes before he leans against the couch cushion, closes his eyes, and slips into maintenance mode.

**New Objective: Make Amends**

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I already have one multi-chapter fic I need to work on but this idea wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it down.
> 
> I don't have a beta-reader so please forgive any typos.
> 
> This takes place after the peaceful ending. A lot of people lived but some people still died.
> 
> This will contain a lot of angst. Please enjoy.


End file.
